Messages

I like sending n. little messages, either by text or IM (when he’s offline, that way he gets them when he logs on, hopefully), to let him know I’m thinking about him. I imagine he sometimes gets a bit bashful when he receives some of them—he’s just so nice and sweet-natured.

It’s nice to feel that you can be so open about your feelings towards someone—I really haven’t felt that in a good, long time. I can’t wait for him to return next Friday.

Back!

I know I’ve neglected this space (and most of my other online spaces) for almost a month now. I blame 1.) not currently having a laptop in my possession that would allow me to constantly be online (to be remedied soon) and 2.) spending most of my free time eating lots and doing fun things with a wonderful guy who smells really nice and has a cute dog.

Excerpts from my moleskine

From a year ago…

“I constantly wonder what he’s up to with an unhealthy amount of curiosity that I have for no one else at the moment.” (April 8, 2008)

Beach House, once again.

(via hippiesaredead)

Yes, I saw Beach House for the third time last night; I refuse to break this addiction. They were the second opening band for The Walkmen (playing after Johnny and the Moon). Really great, as always. As were The Walkmen and Johnny and the Moon, but, come on, I was there for Beach House.

I went to the show with C. I was a bit apprehensive about going with him, at first. It’d been weeks since we last saw or spoke to each other and I was afraid it’d feel like we were strangers and that it’d be awkward. But it didn’t feel that way at all. It almost felt as though things hadn’t changed, though they obviously have.

I won’t deny that I still have feelings for him. But rather than feeling any sense of longing or sadness when I was with him (or even today, the day after), I felt acceptance, and happiness, because I really do enjoy his company.

After the show, we went back to his place where we made pasta as he strummed on the guitar. Then I went home.

It was fun.

The new year

So my new year didn’t quite start out the way I would have liked.

I still feel a little bummed out that things didn’t work out between me and C, but, you know, these things do get easier each time, and you take these little disappointments less and less personally.

At least these situations provide you with an opportunity to figure out what you want. And I know what I want. I want someone who is as into me as I’m into them, someone who thinks I’m pretty swell, someone who would miss me, someone who thinks that I’m worth taking a chance on. Not exactly a profound realization, but it was nice to be reminded.

But we’ll be friends. In the future. Some time. Maybe. I believe his request to be sincere and considering what I had written here so many months ago, I feel happy about this prospective new friendship.

So here I am entering the new year basically where I was at the beginning of last year, but with new friends, more experience and a different, though more positive perspective of things. And just as I was last year, I’m excited to see what the new year will bring.

Changes

Over the Thanksgiving break, I was leafing through some old entries in my journal, written around this time last year. The tone of the entries were very sad—I was still mourning the loss of a many-yeared relationship and there was a theme of loneliness throughout many of those entries.

It’s pretty astounding how much has changed since then. It felt nice to be able to write an entry about how close I’ve grown to many people and being involved with a nice guy (who is not quite my boyfriend) with soft hair and who makes me laugh. In tone and content, it was a huge contrast to last year’s entry.

It’ll be interesting to see what the coming weeks and months will bring. I still can’t believe it’s already December.

That's blooming marvelous

So I’m just trying to enjoy this thing that seems to be in bloom and not take anything for granted because you never know when things could suddenly come to an end. I must say, though…it’s been a good, long while since I’ve met someone that I really enjoy being with. And I have a good feeling about this—no nagging feeling, no red flags. We shall see.

Boys. Sigh. Ugh.

I really hate that one bad experience with a guy has planted in me this seed of distrust towards guys in general. And I feel that this could possibly mar future relationships.

I was with someone for a few months earlier in the year, someone who said a lot of things but never really followed through. One of the last things he said to me was, “I’ll call you,” after which I never heard from him ever again. And after hearing the complete lies he said about me, making me seem as though I was some needy, desperate girl (which I am NOT), I find it hard to believe anything a guy tells me now, especially if I like him in any romantic sort of way.

And it’s unfortunate because I recently met someone that I was immediately interested in. He said that he had fun meeting me, that we should hang out again sometime and that he’d call. Rather than feeling happy about the possibilities, all I felt was pessimism, thinking, “Yeah, we’ll see if you actually call…” and taking every little sign as an indication of disinterest.

Fortunately, he did call me and we had a great first date. He told me that he had a good time and that he believed we connected well; he suggested other things we could do in the future, and after our date he said he’d give me a call.

Before that other guy, if a guy told me that he’d call, I’d believe him; if a guy told me anything else about himself or his feelings towards me, I’d take his word for it. Now, even though I feel that this new guy is a genuinely good person (he was a gentleman throughout the date, in a way that it didn’t seem to be a façade) I still feel overcome with doubt about whether or not he actually had a good time (maybe he was just being polite) and whether I’ll hear from him again. I hate that. And I hate feeling that, “Oh great, now I have all of this emotional baggage I need to sort through.”

I’ve usually been a pretty trusting person, perhaps maybe a little too trusting, and while it’s probably wise to be a little guarded in the initial stages of dating, I want to feel as though I can trust someone and believe that what they’re telling is true and without subtext.

Addendum: I should mention, though, that right before my recent date, I was pretty nervous. I’ve never gone on a first date where I’d hardly spoken to the person beforehand. M said I couldn’t stop giggling.

Old friends have no use for decorum

I was thinking about an episode from Felicity where she and Noel, her boyfriend, are having a disagreement and suddenly he refers to her by name, alarming her a bit, like, whoa, why are you using my name when you’re talking to me, you never do that. I can relate. With people I’ve grown comfortable and close to, we usually reach this point where we hardly ever address each other by name—there just doesn’t seem to be a need to, save for when you’re attempting to get their attention in a large, noisy crowd. But when you’re hanging out or having a conversation just the two of you, no need.

So in a conversation (a “Hello, [insert name here]!” is not what I’m talking about) when I’m referred to by name by this person I’ve known for so long, it throws this little bit of formality into a relationship that has otherwise outgrown the awkward politeness of new friendships, relationships. It’s then that I feel, “Ok, something’s up, something not good.” Sure, the tone is important, but I think the mere use of your name is significant, as well.

The last time I referred to an old friend by name in this way was when I had my very last conversation with my ex and best friend of so many years just a few months ago. We both called each other by name in our goodbyes, something we never, ever did before, and in this strange, though mutually understood way, it added a certain finality to our relationship, and any future correspondence.

“Bye, S—-.”
“Bye, K—-.”

And without having to say much further, we knew what it meant.

Let's be Frank

I probably had one of the most direct conversations I’ve had in a very long time with someone I am kind of, sort of, somehow involved with. It was really refreshing, I can’t tell you.

It’s a pleasure to spend time with someone and not have to worry about the subtext.

It's not me, it's you

In spite of these little recent discoveries that became progressively negative, and that have momentarily hurt my feelings, I’m feeling pretty good. It was for the best, really, these unearthings. Hearing the responses from my cousin and friends, people who can look at this more objectively, has enabled me to finally grasp this state of understanding and shed these feelings of inadequacy.

Finally, closure and full apprehension. Good riddance.

The on-going conflict between reason and emotion

This is how I’ve been feeling (kind of grumpy and sad) for the past few weeks now and have only recently shared it with anyone (And! This will be the last time I write about it, promise):

I try to be as rational as possible in all areas my life, with varying levels of success. As a result, I sometimes try to reason my way out of feeling a certain way because logically (at least, I think so) I should be feeling differently. In my efforts, I end up denying how I’m really feeling and instead project how I think I ought to feel.

With the situation with b, it has been over a month but not quite two, though it feels much longer. And to be honest, I’m not quite over it, yet. I have my good days, I have my bad days, but over all I find myself still thinking about him. No matter how many reasons I list for why he’s not worthy of my time or consideration or why he was so completely wrong for me, I have not yet successfully dispelled these lingering feelings—I can’t seem to reason my way out of feeling this way, unfortunately. I know that there is no proper timeline for when you get over relationships of any length, but I really thought that I’d be over it by now, or at least I had hoped I would be considering the circumstances. And because I’m not quite there yet, I feel a little foolish.

I suppose that I didn’t want to admit that he could have affected me so. I wanted to be able to say, “Well, he’s an asshole!”, move on and forget about it, but it hasn’t been that easy. I do, however, think that I’ve taken it well so far—I haven’t cried or done anything I would later regret, thank god; I’m still going out and being social. Even so, it all kind of sucks and I look forward to the day when I will hardly give this or him another thought.

Cycle

Lately, things have not been going so well with boys so when things end I find myself going through this routine of feeling sad and then those feelings of loneliness start to settle in and they persist for a while. I’ll spend an inordinate amount of time hanging out with friends and family, and reconnecting with people. I’ll focus on exercising and being outdoors, I’ll spend more time reading, and even more time writing in my journal. I’ll restart old hobbies and throw myself into new situations where I meet new strangers. And all the while, I’m in a constant state of contemplation—thinking about how I feel, how things could have happened the way they did, the times we had, but mostly what I’m thinking about is what I’m trying to learn about myself.

Then, unbeknownst to me, something happens. Those feelings of loneliness disappear, I wake up in the morning and go to bed feeling rather content, and I just feel overall better and myself again. And then when I least suspect it, I meet someone.

Going through that process feels like a long time, but when I finally come out of it, I can’t believe how quickly the time had passed.

Mystery solved!

k: I see you’re listening to Iron & Wine…bought any Iron & Wine records lately?

So, o (who was one of my suspects, though the least likely one, I thought), who I recently went on three dates with purchased that record for me. He had purchased it online just hours before I had told him things weren’t going to work out. It arrived and he decided to give it to me anyway, wrapped in a bow. Dude, my timing = awesome! When I asked him, “Why Iron & Wine?” he said it was because I had told him that I had purchased his record online only to receive the cover, so he wanted to do something nice for me.

He actually got the story wrong, but I didn’t have the heart to tell him so, since he did, after all, do a very nice thing. Of course, I had no way of knowing, but I still feel bad. I knew he was a genuinely nice guy, but we just didn’t click. Tant pis.

Evening stream of consciousness

It doesn’t really matter whether you both like the same obscure music or enjoy the same films. Or wear the same pants. If you don’t share the same fundamental values for how you see the world and want to treat the people in it, it’s not going to work. It’s entirely possible to feel lonely in a noisy house full of people—it’s more of a state of mind than a state of being. People can become more silly and superficial with age, rather than grow wiser. And I don’t believe that all people are capable of the sort of self-reflection that would impel them to change for the better. Some people are assholes, they know it and they don’t care.