This happens everytime.

I had a dream last night where I ran into b.

We were living in the same rooming house and as I was walking out of my room, I saw him walk out of the bathroom after having just taken a shower. He had on a grey t-shirt, a towel wrapped around his waist and, strangely, a towel wrapped turban-style around his head (his hair is not so long that this would be necessary). We saw each other immediately. “This is my chance!” I thought. I was finally going to get some answers. I was incensed upon seeing him again.

When he saw that I started to advance towards him, he immediately, in that cowardly manner I now associate with his character, tried to dodge me. I yelled out his name and also said aloud, “Are you serious? Are you just going to avoid me like this? You’re a child!” Nevertheless, I chased after him.

I grabbed him and pulled him into a room that looked like my chem lab in college. He’s now fully dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt.

We stood face to face as I said to him, “I don’t understand! Why? (momentary pause) Actually, you know what, I don’t need to know why. I understand that people sometimes break up because it’s just not working out, someone’s not feeling it, but why did you have to end it the way you did? Why?”

When he started to say that the manner in which he, b, chose to end it didn’t necessarily mean that he’s as unfeeling or that he’s the asshole he appears, that it’s more complex than that, I realized that I had pulled in the wrong guy—it was in fact his friend.

This part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but after some reshuffling, I was able to get a hold of b and we are now standing face to face in that chem lab. I repeat my questions, but I don’t get an answer. He just looks to me, and then to the floor, fidgeting a bit. So I start hitting him, and kicking him. I’m trying to hit and kick as hard as I can, but for some reason I feel very weak and slow. He eventually puts his arm around me as if to comfort me, though the look on his face says, “Silly girl…” I recoil and say, “Do NOT touch me.”

After regaining my composure, I say to him, calmly, “I wish you had just been honest and direct with me. It didn’t have to be this way.” He’s looking at me, regretfully, and says, “I’m sorry.” It’s the only audible thing he says in the dream.

More dream fuzziness.

It’s kind of a gloomy, windy day, but we’re walking about a park, drawing our coats close to stay warm. We’re talking inaudibly and laughing. Somehow, after everything that had happened, we made our peace and became friends.

I’ve had dreams like these many times before where I have the confrontation I wanted to have in real life (minus the violence), seeking answers to quell my mind. These dreams don’t usually occur until weeks or months later, it seems.

I didn’t get any ‘answers’ this time around, but I did feel at peace, at least momentarily, when I woke up this morning, believing that what I had dreamt was in fact real. Not that I wished we’d become friends, but that things had been more amicable in the end.

Happenings from the weekend

On Friday, I ate a delicious veggie risotto and chocolate fondue after having ‘the talk’ with O. It’s always difficult and awkward, no matter how long you’ve been involved (in this case, just three dates), but these things are always best done in person, I think. And having been treated inconsiderately in the past has made me more adamant about how I don’t want to treat people.

Michelle dragged me out to the gym for the first time in a very, very long time.

Watched Jumper with sister and friends. It was awful! But unintentionally funny. Watched Persepolis a second time and I’m on my way to purchase a copy for myself. The animation is amazing, I really like that style of drawing.

My sister, friend and I headed to San Francisco on Saturday to attend the Renegade Craft Fair being held at Fort Mason. We saw so many great artists who were showcasing their amazing work. Elizabeth Soule, with her The Little Zoo series, was one of my favorites.

There was a lot of inspiring work at the fair. And once again, being in SF reinforced our desire to eventually move there. That city is so full of nonsense.

Festivals galore! We went to the Obon Festival in Japantown. It was a first for all of us. The best part was the food: tempura, chicken salad (teriyaki and sushi were sold out), root beer floats with strawberry shortcake to finish.

I’m hoping to head up to SF again this weekend to check out Julia Rothman’s (as well as Keegan’s, though I’m unfamiliar with most of her work) new work at Rare Device gallery. We’ll see!

Break time

There are so many things that I am looking forward to doing, by myself. I can’t wait to ride my bike more often, learn how to maintain and repair it, play my piano, rearrange my room a bit, hang out with Apricot and watch movies on my laptop and bake some cinnamon rolls, lemon madeleines and mac and cheese.

Boys, since the beginning of the year, have been too much of a distraction, not to mention a downer. I’m slightly sad, but, really, I’m jazzed to be by myself for a while.

Just friends

I have this friend that I feel I will perpetually be fond of and not pursue because I’m pretty certain I’m not his type and that he does not reciprocate. I hold him in such high regard that I always feel some amount of nervousness in his presence, and I really don’t want to introduce any new level of awkwardness into our friendship.

What is going on?

Date! Tonight!

La fin

I stopped by to grab my books last night when I knew he wouldn’t be home. I no longer wanted to confront him—I had nothing to say.

I felt nervous, actually; it felt weird walking up those steps again and then stepping into that apartment, like I was trespassing. His roommate answered, appearing unassuming, friendly and not letting on that he knew anything about what had transpired. I told him why I was there and he let me in. I expected him to follow me so as to make sure I did not steal anything or attempt to start a fire, but he didn’t, and I didn’t.

I had to rummage a bit to find some of my books—his room was in its usual sty-condition, though with my waned affections for its owner, it was more unsightly this time around. I neither bothered to scan the place for ‘girly things’, as my sister instructed me to do, nor did I try to uncover reasons as to why things could have ended so abruptly and unceremoniously. I no longer cared. Once I gathered all of my books I headed out. I wanted to tell the roommate that I enjoyed knowing him for a while, but in my haste I forgot. Instead, I thanked him, said ‘bye!’, and shut the door behind me.

And that was that.

This and that, and then this

I like having a boy to make plans with.

Weekend of fun

I ran Bay to Breakers with my two best friends from high school on Sunday in San Francisco. We dodged the naked people, laughed at the funny and clever costumes, resisted the free doughnuts during the run and ate gyros when it was all over. Next up: Muddy Buddy.

Eating frozen yogurt, taking naps, getting coffee, eating burritos, watching really bad movies, reading books, eating mac & cheese with noodles in the shape of Spiderman, watching cartoons on Adult Swim, playing wii mario kart, eating thai food, swinging in a hammock, taking bike rides around the block with b.

Let's be friends?

I was talking to Michelle and we both agreed that maybe dating is not for us. We haven’t even dated much, and we’re already disheartened. Oy.

I generally like most people I encounter and I notice that I get easily attached to people—platonically attached. When things don’t work out, no matter who ends it, I immediately lament the impossibility of remaining—or rather, becoming—friends. I’ve had the unusual good fortune of running into some really nice guys. So when things end (as they seem to do quite often lately), I’m sad because they’re good people, I hardly got to know them, and if not boyfriend and girlfriend, we could have at least been friends. Of course, I can’t say, “Hey, let’s be friends,” because it sounds lame and insincere (even if I genuinely mean it) and the feeling is not often reciprocated. I wish for something more constant, not this perpetual flux of acquaintances.

Le temps qui passe

I can’t believe it’s April. It feels as though the new year had just begun, sometimes. And I can hardly believe the quick transition between March and April—hardly a thing happened* and yet time flew on by. Pretty soon it will be summer, then fall, and who knows what the coming days, weeks and months will bring.

*Oh, I lied. Quite a bit actually did happen; some of it was good, but a lot of it was sad and a bit heartbreaking.

Mes amis

Friends will always feel inclined to be outraged on your behalf in a situation where you’ve been wronged and you’re being particularly blasé about it.

Tant pis

Eh bien. It was a good experience. I was able to better familiarize myself with the streets of San Francisco (I’m still pretty hopeless), got to practice my parallel parking (only bumped one car, bravo) and enjoyed good food and drink with great company.

I realized, yesterday, that what saddens me most is the fact that it was such a short amount of time and I didn’t get to know him very well, even on a strictly platonic level. He seemed like a fun, interesting, genuinely good person. It made me think of other people who have drifted in and out of my life, who I still think tenderly of, and I wonder how they’re doing and what they’re up to.

I had a dream where instead of a phone call I received a text message from him, and it was all in French. This amused me.

Circumstances

I thought that what had happened was inevitable, but now I see that it was just a matter of circumstance—it being the wrong time. At a different time, circumstances would have been different, and things, as a result, could have been different. Eh bien.