Cycle

Lately, things have not been going so well with boys so when things end I find myself going through this routine of feeling sad and then those feelings of loneliness start to settle in and they persist for a while. I’ll spend an inordinate amount of time hanging out with friends and family, and reconnecting with people. I’ll focus on exercising and being outdoors, I’ll spend more time reading, and even more time writing in my journal. I’ll restart old hobbies and throw myself into new situations where I meet new strangers. And all the while, I’m in a constant state of contemplation—thinking about how I feel, how things could have happened the way they did, the times we had, but mostly what I’m thinking about is what I’m trying to learn about myself.

Then, unbeknownst to me, something happens. Those feelings of loneliness disappear, I wake up in the morning and go to bed feeling rather content, and I just feel overall better and myself again. And then when I least suspect it, I meet someone.

Going through that process feels like a long time, but when I finally come out of it, I can’t believe how quickly the time had passed.

This happens everytime.

I had a dream last night where I ran into b.

We were living in the same rooming house and as I was walking out of my room, I saw him walk out of the bathroom after having just taken a shower. He had on a grey t-shirt, a towel wrapped around his waist and, strangely, a towel wrapped turban-style around his head (his hair is not so long that this would be necessary). We saw each other immediately. “This is my chance!” I thought. I was finally going to get some answers. I was incensed upon seeing him again.

When he saw that I started to advance towards him, he immediately, in that cowardly manner I now associate with his character, tried to dodge me. I yelled out his name and also said aloud, “Are you serious? Are you just going to avoid me like this? You’re a child!” Nevertheless, I chased after him.

I grabbed him and pulled him into a room that looked like my chem lab in college. He’s now fully dressed in jeans and a blue t-shirt.

We stood face to face as I said to him, “I don’t understand! Why? (momentary pause) Actually, you know what, I don’t need to know why. I understand that people sometimes break up because it’s just not working out, someone’s not feeling it, but why did you have to end it the way you did? Why?”

When he started to say that the manner in which he, b, chose to end it didn’t necessarily mean that he’s as unfeeling or that he’s the asshole he appears, that it’s more complex than that, I realized that I had pulled in the wrong guy—it was in fact his friend.

This part of the dream is a bit fuzzy, but after some reshuffling, I was able to get a hold of b and we are now standing face to face in that chem lab. I repeat my questions, but I don’t get an answer. He just looks to me, and then to the floor, fidgeting a bit. So I start hitting him, and kicking him. I’m trying to hit and kick as hard as I can, but for some reason I feel very weak and slow. He eventually puts his arm around me as if to comfort me, though the look on his face says, “Silly girl…” I recoil and say, “Do NOT touch me.”

After regaining my composure, I say to him, calmly, “I wish you had just been honest and direct with me. It didn’t have to be this way.” He’s looking at me, regretfully, and says, “I’m sorry.” It’s the only audible thing he says in the dream.

More dream fuzziness.

It’s kind of a gloomy, windy day, but we’re walking about a park, drawing our coats close to stay warm. We’re talking inaudibly and laughing. Somehow, after everything that had happened, we made our peace and became friends.

I’ve had dreams like these many times before where I have the confrontation I wanted to have in real life (minus the violence), seeking answers to quell my mind. These dreams don’t usually occur until weeks or months later, it seems.

I didn’t get any ‘answers’ this time around, but I did feel at peace, at least momentarily, when I woke up this morning, believing that what I had dreamt was in fact real. Not that I wished we’d become friends, but that things had been more amicable in the end.

Break time

There are so many things that I am looking forward to doing, by myself. I can’t wait to ride my bike more often, learn how to maintain and repair it, play my piano, rearrange my room a bit, hang out with Apricot and watch movies on my laptop and bake some cinnamon rolls, lemon madeleines and mac and cheese.

Boys, since the beginning of the year, have been too much of a distraction, not to mention a downer. I’m slightly sad, but, really, I’m jazzed to be by myself for a while.

La fin

I stopped by to grab my books last night when I knew he wouldn’t be home. I no longer wanted to confront him—I had nothing to say.

I felt nervous, actually; it felt weird walking up those steps again and then stepping into that apartment, like I was trespassing. His roommate answered, appearing unassuming, friendly and not letting on that he knew anything about what had transpired. I told him why I was there and he let me in. I expected him to follow me so as to make sure I did not steal anything or attempt to start a fire, but he didn’t, and I didn’t.

I had to rummage a bit to find some of my books—his room was in its usual sty-condition, though with my waned affections for its owner, it was more unsightly this time around. I neither bothered to scan the place for ‘girly things’, as my sister instructed me to do, nor did I try to uncover reasons as to why things could have ended so abruptly and unceremoniously. I no longer cared. Once I gathered all of my books I headed out. I wanted to tell the roommate that I enjoyed knowing him for a while, but in my haste I forgot. Instead, I thanked him, said ‘bye!’, and shut the door behind me.

And that was that.

Tant pis

Eh bien. It was a good experience. I was able to better familiarize myself with the streets of San Francisco (I’m still pretty hopeless), got to practice my parallel parking (only bumped one car, bravo) and enjoyed good food and drink with great company.

I realized, yesterday, that what saddens me most is the fact that it was such a short amount of time and I didn’t get to know him very well, even on a strictly platonic level. He seemed like a fun, interesting, genuinely good person. It made me think of other people who have drifted in and out of my life, who I still think tenderly of, and I wonder how they’re doing and what they’re up to.

I had a dream where instead of a phone call I received a text message from him, and it was all in French. This amused me.

Circumstances

I thought that what had happened was inevitable, but now I see that it was just a matter of circumstance—it being the wrong time. At a different time, circumstances would have been different, and things, as a result, could have been different. Eh bien.