Boys. Sigh. Ugh.

I really hate that one bad experience with a guy has planted in me this seed of distrust towards guys in general. And I feel that this could possibly mar future relationships.

I was with someone for a few months earlier in the year, someone who said a lot of things but never really followed through. One of the last things he said to me was, “I’ll call you,” after which I never heard from him ever again. And after hearing the complete lies he said about me, making me seem as though I was some needy, desperate girl (which I am NOT), I find it hard to believe anything a guy tells me now, especially if I like him in any romantic sort of way.

And it’s unfortunate because I recently met someone that I was immediately interested in. He said that he had fun meeting me, that we should hang out again sometime and that he’d call. Rather than feeling happy about the possibilities, all I felt was pessimism, thinking, “Yeah, we’ll see if you actually call…” and taking every little sign as an indication of disinterest.

Fortunately, he did call me and we had a great first date. He told me that he had a good time and that he believed we connected well; he suggested other things we could do in the future, and after our date he said he’d give me a call.

Before that other guy, if a guy told me that he’d call, I’d believe him; if a guy told me anything else about himself or his feelings towards me, I’d take his word for it. Now, even though I feel that this new guy is a genuinely good person (he was a gentleman throughout the date, in a way that it didn’t seem to be a façade) I still feel overcome with doubt about whether or not he actually had a good time (maybe he was just being polite) and whether I’ll hear from him again. I hate that. And I hate feeling that, “Oh great, now I have all of this emotional baggage I need to sort through.”

I’ve usually been a pretty trusting person, perhaps maybe a little too trusting, and while it’s probably wise to be a little guarded in the initial stages of dating, I want to feel as though I can trust someone and believe that what they’re telling is true and without subtext.

Addendum: I should mention, though, that right before my recent date, I was pretty nervous. I’ve never gone on a first date where I’d hardly spoken to the person beforehand. M said I couldn’t stop giggling.

Old friends have no use for decorum

I was thinking about an episode from Felicity where she and Noel, her boyfriend, are having a disagreement and suddenly he refers to her by name, alarming her a bit, like, whoa, why are you using my name when you’re talking to me, you never do that. I can relate. With people I’ve grown comfortable and close to, we usually reach this point where we hardly ever address each other by name—there just doesn’t seem to be a need to, save for when you’re attempting to get their attention in a large, noisy crowd. But when you’re hanging out or having a conversation just the two of you, no need.

So in a conversation (a “Hello, [insert name here]!” is not what I’m talking about) when I’m referred to by name by this person I’ve known for so long, it throws this little bit of formality into a relationship that has otherwise outgrown the awkward politeness of new friendships, relationships. It’s then that I feel, “Ok, something’s up, something not good.” Sure, the tone is important, but I think the mere use of your name is significant, as well.

The last time I referred to an old friend by name in this way was when I had my very last conversation with my ex and best friend of so many years just a few months ago. We both called each other by name in our goodbyes, something we never, ever did before, and in this strange, though mutually understood way, it added a certain finality to our relationship, and any future correspondence.

“Bye, S—-.”
“Bye, K—-.”

And without having to say much further, we knew what it meant.

I'm no entertainer

I stayed up really late on Saturday evening and watched Lost in Translation. When I first saw it in theatres, so many years ago, I wasn’t a big fan, but my perception changed after a second viewing. The movie is quite slow-paced and not much happens, but what I loved about it is the relationship between the two main characters. I loved how they were able to develop this really great emotional bond with each other without it becoming physical. They don’t say a whole lot to each other, but they don’t have to; they’re comfortable with each other, despite the short amount of time they’d known each other, and are accepting of who the other is. And they have fun.

And that’s what I seek. I want to feel comfortable to be my introverted self, not feel as though I constantly have to be lively and talkative, that I constantly have to ‘entertain’.

Let's be friends?

I was talking to Michelle and we both agreed that maybe dating is not for us. We haven’t even dated much, and we’re already disheartened. Oy.

I generally like most people I encounter and I notice that I get easily attached to people—platonically attached. When things don’t work out, no matter who ends it, I immediately lament the impossibility of remaining—or rather, becoming—friends. I’ve had the unusual good fortune of running into some really nice guys. So when things end (as they seem to do quite often lately), I’m sad because they’re good people, I hardly got to know them, and if not boyfriend and girlfriend, we could have at least been friends. Of course, I can’t say, “Hey, let’s be friends,” because it sounds lame and insincere (even if I genuinely mean it) and the feeling is not often reciprocated. I wish for something more constant, not this perpetual flux of acquaintances.